Everyone has their own definition for happiness. Everyone finds happiness in different things. An ice-cream cone, a million dollar cheque or in the smile of their loved one.

Societal norms state the following :-

1. Good Education brings happiness. (Does it?)
2. Marriage brings happiness. (Are all married men and women happy?)
3. Having a good, secure job brings happiness. (Are all our offices / companies / bosses / employees happy?)
4. Money brings happiness (Are you kidding me?)
5. Having children brings happiness (Have you watched the various “comic” memes and videos doing the rounds on social media?)
6. Being a movie star is the ultimate road to happiness (What about Deepika Padukone and Karan Johar admitting to depression and anxiety?)

Well, one might argue that happiness cannot really be defined by society and is a very individualistic thing. Hmmm… Let me talk about myself.

I was born to my parents when they were quite young. My father was 27 and my mother was 20. They weren’t “settled” in life as yet. In fact, my mother gave her final year exams with me in her womb. So when I arrived, my parents were definitely thrilled but there was this strange tension in the air. (Yup! I was good at picking up on energies even as an infant. All of us have that knack. Some of us remember. Some of us don’t.) To me, it felt like I had brought tension to their lives with my birth. So somewhere, I took it upon myself to bring them relief. (I’ve always been psychic by nature. That is how I remember most of my childhood and all its details, even the colour of the walls! At the risk of sounding “insane”, I’m going to continue.)

As I grew up, dance became an integral part of my life. When I was 19, I couldn’t wait anymore and asked my parents if I could leave our home in Bangalore to pursue my dreams of becoming a professional dancer. Little did I know that these “urges” were driven by a silly assumption I had made as a baby. I moved to Mumbai without completing my education. Some applauded my courage while some frowned upon my hastiness. ‘At least complete your education Shoma’ they said. I just followed my intuition and here I was, in a new city, all by myself. The fragrance of a new dream called out to me and I was sure I was going to find happiness HERE!

What was I chasing? Hundreds of people come to Mumbai every day. Most people I met, discouraged me and asked me to go back to Bangalore. So many nights I cried myself to sleep. ‘Was this ever going to happen?’ Now my conviction changed. ‘I will find happiness once I reach my goal.’ I thought. (Ah! Silly girl!)

Soon enough, Nrityanidhi was born and I met all the right people to guide me to it. Now there were so many more questions that arose. How many students do I need to have to break even? Where will I take classes, everything in Mumbai is so expensive? Papa is still sending me money every month. When will I stop depending on him? Maybe I should get married?

So I did. I was 22 by this time. ‘Hmm… I’ve figured it all out. I’ll find a decent boy, get married and pursue my dreams on the side. I’ll be so happy that way’ I had thought. Naïve? Foolish? You are absolutely right! Ladies and Gentlemen, I don’t use the word mistake but for the sake of this blog, lets call this the biggest mistake I made in my life (especially ‘coz there was another human being and another family involved!)

Those years were painful for everyone involved. Many times after that, I have wished I could go back in time and change my decision. I can’t and somewhere I don’t want to; because each experience, good / bad / ugly has contributed to my life. Philosophically, there are no regrets!

I finally decided to relieve myself and everyone concerned since that seemed like the only way to bring sanity to the situation. If one is swimming “against the tide”, how long can one continue after all? So I broke free and after years, I touched the periphery of happiness (or what felt like happiness in comparison to what I had put myself through!) Some layers deeper, there was so much forgiving to do, so much anger to soothe and wounds that demanded my attention.

Time passed and I drowned into my self for the very first time. I did everything in my capacity to befriend myself and I came face to face with intense animosity within.

My Parents have always allowed me to follow my path, make mistakes. They have given me wings, allowed me to fly and opened their doors (both literally and figuratively) when I needed a place to rest. I have always said that this has been their greatest gift to me! Who I am today is the result of their strength and undeterred faith in me.

I had moved back to Bangalore at this time and that was when Nrityanidhi was born in my hometown. My Students in Mumbai did not let go and did their best for me to travel back and forth so I could take their classes. Nrityanidhi at this point seemed like it was a strong, unwavering element that was hanging by the thread. I tried my best to “save” my institution, as I was “saving” my Self.

Eventually, I met Harsh. The minute we met, both of us recognized each other as Soulmates. It was an instant connection of the Spirit. However, as human beings, we took time. Years, in fact. I had a lot of internal work to do. At this point, I felt a strong embrace from Mumbai, as if the city was inviting me to settle in its arms. I was exhausted from all the Bangalore – Mumbai – Bangalore travelling. So, even though I was terrified, I moved.

This phase of my life was a massive gift in disguise. I got a home of my own, for the very first time. My father was still sending me money at this point. Hence, I worked extra hard so I could support myself. It took a year and I was finally financially independent. I was almost 30 by the time this happened. How do I thank my father for continuing to believe in me?! What if he had given up? I must add, that it wasn’t easy for him either. It wasn’t like he had loads of money to spare!

Being alone in a house in Mumbai was a wonderful opportunity for me to INTROSPECT. By this time, I had learned that I create my life with my thoughts, ideas and beliefs. Those needed some tweaking. It was high time I learned some integral lessons that would bring me… wait for it… you guessed it right; Happiness.

As I became financially independent, I moved into this gorgeous home. By this time, the place where I was taking classes in Mumbai, started bringing me challenges. So many challenges that I wept and desperately seeked a place where I could work with Nrityanidhi in peace. Parallel to that, there was something that Harsh and I were working towards that kept getting delayed. Even till today, this particular occurrence hasn’t transpired and for some peculiar reason, we still have full faith in its manifestation. As a result of the “pressure” I began piling on weight and I was so immersed in the withOUT, that I totally neglected the withIN.

Two years passed and Nrityanidhi got an opportunity to perform at the Global IIT Summit in San Francisco. Now, this is what happens when a person with low self-esteem receives something massive; ‘Do I deserve this?’ Ah! That horrid, horrid question! Everything that could go “wrong” in this whole charade, went wrong. Not going to go into details. (I’m already guessing I’ve lost half my readers by this point for sounding drab and “negative”. Stay with me people. I do have a point! :D)

I came back from the USA, feeling physically, emotionally, mentally drained. The more the world celebrates something on your behalf, the more you question your own credentials. I came back and broke. I just crashed. I couldn’t dance. I couldn’t take any classes. I just wanted to coop up in a shell and BE. At this point, Yoga happened and gradually, I began to heal.

This healing, manifested as Nrityanidhi in BANDRA! A place of my own. A place where I had all the freedom to work as I pleased, create as I pleased. There was one thing though; financial stress!!

‘Aiyyyooo… This is never-ending Shoma!’. I know what you are thinking and yes, I’ve got to agree with you! That’s exactly the thought that struck me. After 30+ years of my life, I was still battling one thing after another in pursuit of happiness. The financial stress and my ability to constantly mask a positive attitude, brought me the worst bout of acne; a phenomenon my skin had never experienced. So I was dodging my stress on one end and avoiding the mirror on the other.

When this happened, my entire being screeched with all its might, SSSTTTTOOOOPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had had enough. What was going on?! What the hell was I doing???!!! Running after this and that, this and that like a headless chicken!!
What was I running after? Happiness?? Who told me that Happiness was hiding behind a dream or behind marriage or success or a home or money?! Why was it hiding anyway? Or was it just easily available and NONE of us want to EVER BELIEVE that some things in life are EASY ???!!!

What about that chilhood moment when my father taught me how to eat fish curry rice? What about that day when my mother taught me my very first dance? What about that moment when my sister hugged me because I was crying? What about that time my grandmother danced on masakkali? What about that day when my father dressed as Santa Claus? What about that time when my mother helped me wear my first saree? What about that moment when my Teacher said ‘very good Shoma’? What about that time I shared potato chips with my classmates as we giggled about nothing? What about that day when my family drove down to Goa when we had little money to spare? What about that moment when I saw Souffle (our very first puppy), in Amma’s hands? What about that time when Mamma and Papa stayed up all night because I had fever? What about that moment when I sat alone on Marine Drive admiring the waves? What about my very first Student at Nrityanidhi? What about the first applause, the first time I wore makeup, the first stage in Mumbai where I gave my solo ballet presentation? What about the time people walked up to me to thank me for Nrityanidhi? What about the time my Students refused to allow me to go shut Nrityanidhi in Mumbai? What about that moment when Harsh held my hand for the very first time? What about all the love and admiration I’m surrounded with on a daily basis?

Happiness has always been here, you silly Girl. Its easy. Its simple. Its here in life’s tiny, negligible moments. You don’t need to become anything to be happy. You don’t need to fulfill dreams to be happy. You are alive and that is why, you are fully and completely entitled to HAPPINESS.

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. OPEN YOUR HEART. NOW. OPEN YOUR HEART my dear reader, open your heart!